The Unicorn

I have an incredibly established, beyond any question or doubt, love and fascination with all things boobs.  I've blogged about them.  Written about them.  Commented on and about them.  Countless facebook statuses about them.  Talked about them probably to the point of tedium for most people.  I don't really know though, because in all honesty the topic will never become tedious to me.  So it goes.

I am occasionally asked "Why the obsession?", and truth is...I dunno.  I just find them more fun and interesting than scrapbooking or basketball.

Still, at nearly forty years old, I have the same love and appreciation that I did at 14.  Over the course of my life I've seen hundreds of thousands.  It's never enough.  It never gets old.  It never gets boring. It's a delight...each and every goddamn time.

Allow me a metaphor.  I'm fully aware that not all girls have a thing for Unicorns.  I know this.  I'm not going to be successful at a universal appeal.  However, there does seem to be a common Unicorn theme that I do understand has broad appeal.  Also...even if you don't particularly care one way or another, I still think this may help illustrate a point.  So here goes.

Pretend you love unicorns.  Just love them.  Everything about them.  It doesn't matter how big or little the unicorn may be.  It doesn't really matter what color the unicorn is.  The fact is, it's a unicorn.  Nothing about it can make it less of a unicorn.  You love it simply for that sake.

Now pretend you know that I have a unicorn.  I keep it.  I take care of it.  It is absolutely no secret among gods and men, than I actually own an unicorn, and have access to it anytime I want.  Don't you think you might want to see my unicorn?  You love them, you know I have one, and it would just make your life if you could see it.  Maybe even touch it a little bit.

You ask me if you can see my unicorn.  You tell me that you would just love to see it.  It would make your whole day, maybe even your whole week, if you could just look at my unicorn.

I tell you I can't show it to you though.  It makes me nervous to show other people my unicorn.  What if it's not as pretty as someone else's unicorn.  I'm afraid you may not like it.  You do your best to convince me that couldn't possibly happen.  I don't know though.  I know you've seen thousands of other unicorns, mine can't possibly be all that exciting for you.

Besides.  What if someone found out I showed you my unicorn.  They might judge me.  My unicorn is sacred.  I'm saving my unicorn for someone special.  I don't show my unicorn to just anybody.

"What about just a picture?"  You ask, with hope in your heart.

But no.  No I don't feel comfortable with pictures either.  How am I to know those pictures won't end up on the internet somewhere.  It would be so disgraceful if that happened.

You try to convince me that you're not the kind of person who would do that.  You tell me I could absolutely trust you that the pics wouldn't end up anywhere.  Just between us.  And the thing is...I believe you.  I still say no.

And so you walk away.  Disappointed.  This does not in any way affect our friendship.  You don't like me less for NOT showing you my unicorn.  In fact...for the most part...we forget about it and move on.  We still hang out.  We still laugh, and talk, and enjoy wonderful conversations and time together.  But still...but still...it's always there.  Always in your mind, you know I have a unicorn, and you know how badly you want to see it.

Lets say then, one day as a surprise, you wake up and there's a text message from me.  A picture of my unicorn.  It makes your day.  You love it.  It's just as beautiful as you thought it would be.  You've seen hundreds of unicorns of all shapes, sizes, and colors...but you don't compare this one to any of the others...you simply appreciate this unicorn for exactly what it is.  It's every bit as beautiful as you'd imagined it would be.  Sometimes during your day at work, you pull out your phone, and look at the picture, smile, and put the picture away.  It makes your entire, typically mundane day, just a little bit better, knowing that your friend's unicorn is now within reach...anytime you want it.

Do you think maybe it would end there?  Maybe you'd like more pictures...from different angles.

Really though...what you really REALLY want...is to just see it for yourself.  Live and in person.  Even if only for a minute.  So you ask...can I just come look at your unicorn?

"I'm really not comfortable with that." I tell you.  "Besides, you have a picture.  Isn't that enough?"  And the truth is...yeah...it is.  It's enough.  The real truth is...it's MORE than enough.  It's more than you ever expected to begin with.  That doesn't change the desire though.  That simple want...to really see it.

One day.  Out of the blue.  Completely unexpected, I invite you over to see my unicorn.  Your heart races.  This is the best news ever.  You come over, I open the barn door, and there it is.  My unicorn.  Standing before you.  It's breathtaking.  It's everything it looked like in the picture, but even better.  You can't stop staring.  You feel like a fool...knowing how silly you must look, but you simply can't stop.  Sure you've seen thousands of unicorns, and each time was just like this.  No time was less special than the last.  No time was less meaningful.  This time, this time is just as equally amazing, as the very first time.

You want to touch it.  "Can I just pet your unicorn?"  You ask.

"I'm really not comfortable with that."  I say.  "Just seeing it should be enough.  Seems like every time I give you something, you just want more.  Isn't it ever enough?"

"He's right."  You think to yourself.  "I should be grateful for what I have."

And the truth is.  You are.  So incredibly happy, and grateful...but

but...

but if only I could touch it for just a minute.

I usher you out of my unicorn barn.  You can't see it anymore, but you know it's there.  Having seen it, now just makes you want to...again...and again...and again.

Seeing it once...or seeing it a thousand times...or even, every day for the rest of your life...it's always wonderful.  It's always amazing.  It's always...ALWAYS...a goddamn unicorn.  Right there.  Just needing to be looked at.

I could go on and on with that metaphor, but I think I've probably written enough to pound in the nail.  I'm pretty sure, that unless you just have absolutely NO cognizance of metaphor, then you get what I'm saying.  Where I'm coming from.

My friendship with you, in no way...EVER...hinges on me seeing your boobs.  At the end of the day...I don't care if I did or didn't.  That's not why I like you, that's not what my friendship is based on.

But if at the end of the day, I DID...well then...

It was a fucking great day.